At the feet of Jesus is the place where I find myself. It feels as if my whole life has been turned upside down, my heart is broken, and I am so weary. I have no where else to go, so I am at His feet, asking for His mercy. Please have mercy on me , my family, on our neighbors who have shown up wanting our property before anyone else. For the people who put us in this peril of losing a home, our lively hood and would like to toss us out into the street, I ask for your mercy and forgiveness. They truly cannot understand what they have done.
I guess like any trial, you always LEARN lessons or as I read somewhere to make the most of what your going through. I have learned that is horrible to lose your home, whatever the reason, my heart aches, when I see a "trustee sale", a homeless human being, a family giving a pet away because they can no longer care for it. I have learned, hopefully, to be more sensitive, when someone is telling me about a trial they are going through. For example, to say "Hang In There", when you you feel like your being hung, hurts. Or to say, I am not worried, " God will work it all out and you'll be just fine", "Or when God shuts a door, He will open a window". And to that I answer, I want my own door, my own window, my driveway, my barns, my land I have walked over 32 years. I have submitted myself to God, He knows my heart like no one else ever could, He made me. One of my favorite movie clips is , Dorothy and Toto, she is clicking her red shoes, with her eyes closed saying,"there's no place like home, there's no place like home" I don't know how I could ever leave, knowing I cannot come back. Only God knows.
Forgiveness, now this a biggie, I am understanding more and more about forgiveness. If I want forgiveness, healing , deliverence, I must forgive. I will say it again, for my own self, because I tend to be hard headed, I must forgive no matter what the offense. This has been a real challenge, actually, forgiveness is such a great gift The Lord, because I was struggling, let me see how joyful He is when gets to give forgiveness to people. He bought and paid for this gift, with His own blood, and delights in letting them go free from sin. I can experience this same joy, of just letting them GO, and allowing Him to heal my hurts. Mercy, He showed me , that sin is sin no matter what, and that my sins of fear and self pity, are just as much sin as greed, coveting ect... so I can ask for mercy, for me, and anyone else, that cannot seem to help their tendencies anymore than I can.
I have also learned, my attitude, is not what it should be at times, and what used to "bother", me is nothing to be compared of what I face today. Am I sweeter, kinder, nicer, less quick to judge, you bet I am. Have I "learned" my lesson, I am hoping, but for the time being, I am going to sit at His Feet a little while longer. I put my life in Your Hands, and I submit myself to Your Will. Amen
Monday, November 23, 2009
There is nowhere else to turn, there is nowhere else to go. Sometimes we find ourselves in situations where there seems to be absolutely no way out. I found myself in such a situation six years ago: I was dying in a hospital bed in the CCU with Septic Kidney Infection. I was there for six days, I had a swan put in my heart, a cooling blanket underneath me, that kept me freezing cold, a ventilator put in, so I could breath, and a feeding tube. I was given 27 liters of fluid in two days, I gained 37 pounds, my blood pressure hovered around 56/23, till it dropped to 40/0, that is when they called my Mom and the Chaplin. The Cardiologist told my Mom and Sara, "don't get your hopes up, she is probably not going to make it". My temp. was 104.7, and I was given 2 pints of blood, and this is not pretty, but I lost control of my bowels. The most scary part for me, was when I could not get my breath, it was a horrible feeling, and I could remember thinking about people who have lung cancer, and other lung diseases and how I never knew how they felt. I remember telling the Lord, I'll do my part, but I do not know how much I can do. It seemed I was running as fast as I could go and could not get the air in my lungs. My night nurse, I never think about her, and not get choked up and teary eyed. She told Sara to get a prayer chain started, that she had called her church and started a prayer chain for me. She did not know me from anywhere, then she began caring for me, she would change the mask of oxygen, swab my mouth, clean me up, and I would apologize, and she would say,"if this all we have to worry about, we'll be okay". Then she began to hum, and sing softly, I never could decipher the tune, but I will never be so close to heaven, that I do not believe I will hear it again. That was the first night, and there was six more to come. I was in and out of sedation physically, but just as important was going on inside in my spirit. He was there, I felt a presence at my right hand, like there was a hand on my shoulder. I was dying, I knew it and felt it and remember being shocked by the fact, I saw a casket, and my family around it crying, and I reached out to put my arm around my Mom, and I wasn't there. I could not comfort them, help them, do anything for them like I had always done in the past. I turned to the Lord, and said I put my life in your hands, this is your call. But please take care of my family, please promise me You will take of my family. I had to trust him with my family, with my works on this earth, that I wanted to do more, I want my life to count for Christ, it would have to be enough. Not for salvation of course, for He has already provided for that, but He showed me the Little Boy in the Bible with the two loaves and the fishes, that little boy gave what he had to the Lord and look what the Lord did with it. He fed the five thousand. So I gave my life and what was remaining to Him to do with what He so chose. We had more conversations during this time, but on Thursday morning, when I was so close to the dark velvet sky, and the stars were creamy white, I waited for the word to Come, and I woke up in my bed. There was a nurse close by, my hands were in restraints, I wanted to know what was going on? I had been delivered. For everyday one is CCU, it takes 3 days to recover. I made to the floor on Monday, Tuesday was the first time I walked in 7 days, Wednesday when my doctor came in, I was dressed and asked him to come home, another miracle he said if you will do these 8 things you can go home. So at 8:30pm on a dusky June evening, I breathed fresh air for the first time in 8 days, Sara came picked me up and took me home. I could not even sleep that night, I worshiped all night long, I had truly been delivered. God's word is true, and He does not lie. This might not mean anything to another person, I may fail my Heavenly Father, but He has never failed me. I go through His Word and claim His promises , where there is a problem, there is a promise, and where there is a promise there is provision. We must stand on the promises of God.