My Last Post

I am new to all this blogging, and frankly it is to hard to put my thoughts down in journal let alone in a sphere for everyone to see. Times of late, have been more than I can bear, to write it down in my journal, somehow makes it real. I loose the bubble effect, like this cannot really be happening, but it is. Sara asked me to smile today, I think, or maybe, I do not think, or maybe I cannot think anymore, it just made me think. What a miserable failure I am, in every area of my life, everyone in this world has trials, tragedy and misfortune, they get up, move on, they put smiles on their faces and triumph. I am having a hard time, what is the matter with me I do not have a clue, but I cannot seem to do the latter. Maybe it is time to do some real soul searching, to get quiet and try to get some healing. So this is my last post, I didn't really have much to offer anyway, it is hard to be uplifting when your downtrodden. Although there are those who are, and I admire them.

Things that make me laugh

Yes I do laugh, probably not as much as I used to. My motto is if you have a choice of whether to laugh or cry, choose to laugh. Sara was laughing at me the other day, and said why don't you post something humorous. Post something that shows that you are not a baptist nun, if there is such a thing. So I will try to redeem myself in this post. So here we go, dear Sara you make me laugh, you may not know it always, but when you come in and your hair is all askew, your glasses are fogged up from the cold, and say the tractor tire is flat for the eighth time in a row. I bite my lip, because what else can a person do? It is just crazy to have the same tire go flat eight times and the tire store, says it is a perfectly good tire and that you do not need a new one. So you "make" them sell you a new tire, and brought the old tire home and counted nine patches and two holes. You were right, we definitely needed a new tire, and your triumphant toss of your head, made me laugh.
My Uncle, makes me laugh when he talks about "Missouri" drivers, that have to be the Worst in the country. He complains, they drive in the turn lane, one must turn in the turn lane and not drive in the turn lane. Then all the people that just pull out in front of him, causing near mishaps. Stupid, he says, just plain stupid. Also I got a full discourse of proper Ambulance etiquette, on five lanes of traffic, Lord help me if I am ever in six or seven lanes. Think I will stay home, we only have two lane cow paths here.
Occasionally, my neighbor's make me laugh. One Mennonite woman called here looking for her husband, she described him, He had a beard, and wore a cap and overalls, so did the other twenty five men that were here. Mennonites on cell phones, two boys, riding in a tractor with a cab, both on cell phones. Surely they weren't talking to each other ? It just was funny to me.
Family members, can be so funny, like the time when one of our honey bees stung my sister's dog Elsa, she marched in the house and wanted a can of Raid, she wanted to wipe out the "Melosovitch" hive. Or the time, I caught Sara, going to the chicken house with oven mitts to gather eggs, she didn't want to get pecked. Or when, my Aunt decided to mow the lawn, with my Uncles riding lawn mower. She put it in high gear and let out the clutch to fast and went off backwards and the mower was just going all over the place. I was doubled over laughing. She wasn't hurt, and somehow we got the mower stopped, but I still chuckle over the memory.
I even make myself laugh, every now and then I just break out in a freaky mood. Sometimes when I am on the tractor, I go in circles and tell Sara I have circling disease, it makes her laugh. Or when I am on the lawnmower, I put out my arms and pretend I am flying, that usually gets a chuckle from someone. I am thankful for oranges, so the worry of getting scurvy is put off, for at least the holiday season. My Tiny Tim impression needs work, but I am faithful to practice, my fake antlers are bent and leaves the impression I am not quite right in my upper story. Kodi, got my old ones, but Sara found me some that are quite lovely. The time, when the phone company was working on our phone, and called to make sure it was the right number, I answered the phone" Nelly Nose Pickers residence", " Nelly speaking", I was quite young, and the next time they called everything was in order. But I laughed, and never did it again. When we had Holsteins, I outlined some of them in orange marker stick, and then wrote messages on them, for when Mom milked in the morning. There is always fun to be had, if you look hard enough. I need to look at happier side of life, thanks Sara for reminding me.

Comfort

I have been thinking the last few days about what to write, and all that comes to me is comfort. Comfort means to come alongside of, to exhort, or to encourage. And according to the Bible, the comfort we receive, we are to give again to those who are suffering. Looking around me, there are so many who are suffering. I long to give "Comfort", to say the "Right" words, to lend a helping hand, and it seems like I just end up at a loss, for anything that is all of the above. Lately I have been on the receiving end of comforting, some has been so genuine, sweet and encouraging, I can just feel the love, and support whether in person, telephone or computer screen. Then there are others, that if I did not know the Father Above, I could not endure their comments. Even though I know that in their hearts they mean well. I want to be a "Titus" not a "Job's" comforter, that is my prayer. Please Lord, let me listen with an understanding heart, and to communicate with your love and wisdom. I ask the Lord to direct my prayers on others behalves, not what I think they""Need" but what HE knows they "Need", this action has been a real comfort to me, and effective.
My next quandry, is when I hear of someone in trouble, is just to "Fix It", and go through all the ends and outs, Well has this been done, or could you do that? I know in our particular situation, it is almost as people think your not quite bright. If you happen to have a problem, too complicated, or other peoples suggestions just won't work, they will either get angry or just disgusted and walk away. There are not many who will say with their actions, Hey I am in this WITH you for the long haul, and Will be there till the end. That is comfort, in a nutshell.
When one really thinks about it, what brings comfort ? Here is a list I have compiled:
1. God has proven Himself too me, I always know I can count on Him, when I am totally alone, He has made known to me His delivering, rescuing, power. He also communicates with me, His Holy Spirit Comforts me.

2. My family, my Mom, I learned kindness and how to comfort from her. She is a RN, who has a gift of comforting the ill, whether in mind or body. She is an optimist, to the end, and will not give up. Her motto being: where there is life there is Hope
My daughter Sara, whom besides my salvation, is God greatest gift to me. Her calm spirit, her generous nature, and her loving heart have absolutely ministered comfort to others and me as well.
My sister Kris, she doesn't say much, with words, but she makes it up in deeds, she is just one of those people , who can be counted on. She is kind and compassionate, she would help anyone, anywhere, and has helped me more times than I can name.
3. Fellow Christians, I am so glad to be apart of the Family of God, one can just tell, how we are bonded together, it is unseen, but yet so very real. How good it is to dwell in unity, what strength it imparts to have brothers and sisters in all walks in life, yet connected with one spirit.
4. Fellow farmers; only they can know, up's and down's of farming. They understand the little joys like a calf moving inside of it's momma's tummy, and the injustice of literally being robbed, not only of money, but strength, and love of animals and land. The spirit that hovers over most small farms or I should say, not factory farms is rare and precious, and gives comfort to those who are the caretakers and to those remember the farms in their histories.
5. As frustrating as they can be at times, my animals give me comfort: There are the little brown cows, who just grazing in the pasture, give me joy and comfort. God Bless the big brown eyes, and the snooty looks and "is that a open gate I see". The goats, Viv and Vash, are still my babies even though they are almost grown, I told Sara, if I am ever kid-napped, just turn out Viv and Vash, and Wally, and they will find me. That brings me to Wallace, a little dumped dog, who for some reason, attached himself to me. I told Sara, we are definitely not keeping that dog, and I did my best to ignore him for two weeks. Then I utterly crumbled, and he became my dog. He tolerates other people, but he loves me best. I do not know why ? It wasn't anything I did. When I was in the hospital, and couldn't eat, he stopped eating as well, when I started eating, so did he. When I am crying, he will bite at the feet of anyone who comes to see what is wrong. He thinks, I am special, and in turn, I think of him the same way. He has his funny little ways, and they bring me comfort. So I have rambled on, about comfort, but there are so many things we enjoy, but we also take comfort in. In heaven we will not need comfort, but on earth, I am so very thankful, God provided Comfort to His Children.

A Rose in December

There are still roses blooming in December at our house, never ever has happened in all the time we have lived here, going on 33 years. There are the David Austin's, the old English, and Tea roses. They have been such a comfort, they remind me that God can work in unusual circumstances, His beauty in otherwise a bleak landscape. There are also the snapdragon's, who even though the cold wind blows, and the frost nips their petals, they keep blooming. Which is a reminder, to keep my eyes on the Son, so that I can still be a blessing, in less that ideal condition's.
My sister's birthday is tomorrow, she has been a Rose in December circumstances. She has helped shoulder a very heavy burden, never shirking her load, and trying to comfort the rest of us as well. I will never forget the day she was born. She was due Dec 1st, I was nine at the time, I came home everyday from school, so disappointed that my Mom was still home. Finally on midnight on Dec 6th, we had to go to the hospital, it was raining cats and dogs. Children were not allowed anywhere near the delivery rooms, so I waited in the Lobby Area, by myself, wouldn't think of leaving a child alone in these times. It wasn't too long before my Dad came, and announced I had a baby sister. I was so thrilled I could hardly contain myself. He and I went home, I could hardly sleep. I got up early and got myself ready for school. That afternoon, my Mom called me and told me my baby sister's name, it was Kristina Jo, and I thought it was just perfect. I took care of my little sister quite a lot, in fact her first words were Hi! Sissy!, and later on after our Mom was divorced, she would slip up now and then and call me Mom. It was just the three of us in our little house. The first time we had ever known peace and freedom from such wicked oppression. Mom had to work and allot of the childcare and housework ect... fell on me, just like so many other families that have been affected by divorce. So I guess as sisters we share quite a history together. She is little but she is mighty, she can be counted on, she has a tender heart, and a temper as well. She loves horses, and she lost her beloved horse Smokey this fall, she has always been a Texan at heart. Her hobbies, are beading, reading, her room looks a a library, and her love of anything that flies. God Bless you my little sister, I pray, that your road will be smooth, and the One who sees in secret will reward you openly. Love Always, Kim

At the Feet of Jesus

At the feet of Jesus is the place where I find myself. It feels as if my whole life has been turned upside down, my heart is broken, and I am so weary. I have no where else to go, so I am at His feet, asking for His mercy. Please have mercy on me , my family, on our neighbors who have shown up wanting our property before anyone else. For the people who put us in this peril of losing a home, our lively hood and would like to toss us out into the street, I ask for your mercy and forgiveness. They truly cannot understand what they have done.
I guess like any trial, you always LEARN lessons or as I read somewhere to make the most of what your going through. I have learned that is horrible to lose your home, whatever the reason, my heart aches, when I see a "trustee sale", a homeless human being, a family giving a pet away because they can no longer care for it. I have learned, hopefully, to be more sensitive, when someone is telling me about a trial they are going through. For example, to say "Hang In There", when you you feel like your being hung, hurts. Or to say, I am not worried, " God will work it all out and you'll be just fine", "Or when God shuts a door, He will open a window". And to that I answer, I want my own door, my own window, my driveway, my barns, my land I have walked over 32 years. I have submitted myself to God, He knows my heart like no one else ever could, He made me. One of my favorite movie clips is , Dorothy and Toto, she is clicking her red shoes, with her eyes closed saying,"there's no place like home, there's no place like home" I don't know how I could ever leave, knowing I cannot come back. Only God knows.
Forgiveness, now this a biggie, I am understanding more and more about forgiveness. If I want forgiveness, healing , deliverence, I must forgive. I will say it again, for my own self, because I tend to be hard headed, I must forgive no matter what the offense. This has been a real challenge, actually, forgiveness is such a great gift The Lord, because I was struggling, let me see how joyful He is when gets to give forgiveness to people. He bought and paid for this gift, with His own blood, and delights in letting them go free from sin. I can experience this same joy, of just letting them GO, and allowing Him to heal my hurts. Mercy, He showed me , that sin is sin no matter what, and that my sins of fear and self pity, are just as much sin as greed, coveting ect... so I can ask for mercy, for me, and anyone else, that cannot seem to help their tendencies anymore than I can.
I have also learned, my attitude, is not what it should be at times, and what used to "bother", me is nothing to be compared of what I face today. Am I sweeter, kinder, nicer, less quick to judge, you bet I am. Have I "learned" my lesson, I am hoping, but for the time being, I am going to sit at His Feet a little while longer. I put my life in Your Hands, and I submit myself to Your Will. Amen

Standing On His Promises

There is nowhere else to turn, there is nowhere else to go. Sometimes we find ourselves in situations where there seems to be absolutely no way out. I found myself in such a situation six years ago: I was dying in a hospital bed in the CCU with Septic Kidney Infection. I was there for six days, I had a swan put in my heart, a cooling blanket underneath me, that kept me freezing cold, a ventilator put in, so I could breath, and a feeding tube. I was given 27 liters of fluid in two days, I gained 37 pounds, my blood pressure hovered around 56/23, till it dropped to 40/0, that is when they called my Mom and the Chaplin. The Cardiologist told my Mom and Sara, "don't get your hopes up, she is probably not going to make it". My temp. was 104.7, and I was given 2 pints of blood, and this is not pretty, but I lost control of my bowels. The most scary part for me, was when I could not get my breath, it was a horrible feeling, and I could remember thinking about people who have lung cancer, and other lung diseases and how I never knew how they felt. I remember telling the Lord, I'll do my part, but I do not know how much I can do. It seemed I was running as fast as I could go and could not get the air in my lungs. My night nurse, I never think about her, and not get choked up and teary eyed. She told Sara to get a prayer chain started, that she had called her church and started a prayer chain for me. She did not know me from anywhere, then she began caring for me, she would change the mask of oxygen, swab my mouth, clean me up, and I would apologize, and she would say,"if this all we have to worry about, we'll be okay". Then she began to hum, and sing softly, I never could decipher the tune, but I will never be so close to heaven, that I do not believe I will hear it again. That was the first night, and there was six more to come. I was in and out of sedation physically, but just as important was going on inside in my spirit. He was there, I felt a presence at my right hand, like there was a hand on my shoulder. I was dying, I knew it and felt it and remember being shocked by the fact, I saw a casket, and my family around it crying, and I reached out to put my arm around my Mom, and I wasn't there. I could not comfort them, help them, do anything for them like I had always done in the past. I turned to the Lord, and said I put my life in your hands, this is your call. But please take care of my family, please promise me You will take of my family. I had to trust him with my family, with my works on this earth, that I wanted to do more, I want my life to count for Christ, it would have to be enough. Not for salvation of course, for He has already provided for that, but He showed me the Little Boy in the Bible with the two loaves and the fishes, that little boy gave what he had to the Lord and look what the Lord did with it. He fed the five thousand. So I gave my life and what was remaining to Him to do with what He so chose. We had more conversations during this time, but on Thursday morning, when I was so close to the dark velvet sky, and the stars were creamy white, I waited for the word to Come, and I woke up in my bed. There was a nurse close by, my hands were in restraints, I wanted to know what was going on? I had been delivered. For everyday one is CCU, it takes 3 days to recover. I made to the floor on Monday, Tuesday was the first time I walked in 7 days, Wednesday when my doctor came in, I was dressed and asked him to come home, another miracle he said if you will do these 8 things you can go home. So at 8:30pm on a dusky June evening, I breathed fresh air for the first time in 8 days, Sara came picked me up and took me home. I could not even sleep that night, I worshiped all night long, I had truly been delivered. God's word is true, and He does not lie. This might not mean anything to another person, I may fail my Heavenly Father, but He has never failed me. I go through His Word and claim His promises , where there is a problem, there is a promise, and where there is a promise there is provision. We must stand on the promises of God.

In your patience posess ye your souls

This is a scripture I am hanging on to. It is found in Luke 21:19. A person's soul is made up of our mind, will and emotions. My own soul has been in particular jeopardy of late. Everything seems to be too much too much, the least little thing upsets me to the point of tears or what is even worse, nothing I just feel nothing. I feel as if I am being crushed by a very heavy load, there is no human to help, it is my load to bear. The only help I do find is the Scriptures, It, is Written, I say many times a day, my time in Prayer, where I can unburden my cares, my failings, and my true feelings that I do not care to share with anyone else. My heavenly Father, is big enough, wise enough and just enough to handle my petitions, but sometimes I get very impatient for His answer's, there are times when I pray, I know just how my prayer should be answered. Sometimes I forget, His ways are higher and greater than my own way's. Case in point, Sparky, our Jersey, I can trace her linage all the way back to the original "S" her great grandmother Spooky. Sparky was having a calving problem, Sara had checked her and could make no headway, so we had to call the Vet, he couldn't make any head way either. All the time I was praying, Oh please, let him be able to get this calf and quickly,{ I was on a straw bale at the time, with goats chewing my hair]. Alters come in many shapes and sizes around here. The vet said, one more time and if I cannot get it, we will have to do a C-section. In all our years of dairying, we had never had to have a C-section, my prayers became all the more intense, and my head a little more bald, goats do actually chew hair off. I pleaded sincerely, but felt no headway in my prayer, he tried again but to no avail, so we began to prepare for surgery. For some odd reason, my fears went away, and when the vet asked "Are you girls up for the all the blood and gut's " we were ready, and both filled our parts to help him. We lost a beautiful heifer, but we saved a beautiful cow. And seeing what I saw, we could have saved other cows in the past. So the Lord did answer my prayer, just not the way I wanted but with much better results. And to see miss Sparky adopting all the little ones in the barn, makes me feel very grateful. I have much larger petitions before the Throne Room right now! All of them are life altering, there are times when I can hardly stand the supense of how He will answer, so I call on Patience to do her work in me, to steady my mind, to ecourage my will to stay strong, and to calm my emotions, when they just want to give in and call it quits. Thank you Lord for Patience!!